妙语短篇《風趣幽默的故事（附課文）》

妙趣橫生。以下是12篇課文（僅課文，不含生詞、注釋和練習）。

1.The Three Tortoises

Once upon a time there were three tortoises who were friends.

One of them was a large tortoise one was a medium-sized tortoise and the third was a small tortoise.

One day they went into a restaurant and ordered some cake.

While they were waiting for the cake they remembered that they hadn’t brought any money.

“Hey we forgot to bring money to pay for our cake the big tortoise said.

“The little tortoise can go home and get it” the medium-sized tortoise said. “He’s the youngest so he should be the one to go.”

The little tortoise wasn’t very pleased at this but he knew he shouldn’t argue with his elders so he said “All right I’ll go. But you must promise not to eat my cake while I’m away.”

The largest tortoise and the medium-sized tortoise agreed and the little tortoise set off for home to get some money.

A few days later the big tortoise said to the medium-sized tortoise “Let’s eat the little tortoise’s cake. I’m hungry again.”

“So am I” the medium-sized tortoise said and reached for the cake.

As she did so the little tortoise shouted from near the door of the restaurant “If you touch my cake I won’t go and get the money!”

2. An Old Friend

Carol Evans hated to be wrong.

If she made a mistake she could never admit it.

One day she was walking along the street when she bumped into another woman.

She looked at the woman very carefully.

Then she said ”Kate Foster! Well well well I haven’t seen you for ten years.”

She looked the woman up and down.

“But you’ve changed Kate” she went on. “You used to be fat but now you’re thin.”

She smiled at her “But you look well and it’s good to see you again.”

She took the woman’s hand and shook it.

“but oh you have changed” she said. “I’ve never known anyone change so much. You used to have thick hair but now it’s very thin. You didn’t used to wear glasses but now you’re wearing really thick ones.”

She smiled at the woman again.

“but you’re still the same Kate Foster I used to have coffee with every week. We had some good times didn’t we Kate?”

“Excuse me ma’am” the woman said “but my name isn’t Kate Foster.”

Carol thought for a minute then she said “So you’ve changed your name as well haven’t you?”

3.Not Here

Kathy and Polly were friends but they liked playing tricks on each other.

One day Kathy met Polly in the street. She said “Hi Polly. It’s good to see you.”

“How can you see me when I’m not here?” Polly asked.

“what do you mean you’re not here?” Kathy asked. “Of course you’re here.”

“No I’m not” Polly said “and I’ll bet you ten dollars that I can prove I’m not here.”

“Alright” said Kathy. “Ten dollars. Now prove you’re not here.”

“Easy” Polly said. “Am I in Hong Kong?”

“No” said Kathy.

“Am I in Paris?”

“No” said Kathy.

“If I’m not in Hong Kong and I’m not in Paris” Polly said “then I must be somewhere else. Right?”

“Right” said Kathy. “You must be somewhere else.”

“Exactly” said Polly. “And if I’m somewhere else I can’t be here can I? Ten dollars please.”

“That’s very clever Polly” Kathy said “but I can’t give you ten dollars.”

“Why not?” asked Polly. “We had a bet.”

“Certainly we had a bet” Kathy said “but how can I give you ten dollars if you’re not here?”

And with a laugh she walked away.

4、 a bad doctor

A man walked into a doctor's examining room.

"Put out your tongue" the doctor said.

The man put out his tongue and the doctor looked at it quickly.

"0. K. You can put your tongue back now. " the doctor said. "it's clear what's wrong with you . You need more exercise."

"But doctor " the man said. "I don't think--"

" Don't tell I me what you think " the doctor said 揑 am the doctor not you. I know what you need. I see hundreds of people like you. None of them get any exercise. They sit in offices all day and in front of the television in the evening. What you need is to walk quickly for at least 20 minutes a day. "

"Doctor you don't understand" the patient said "I -"

"I don't want to hear any excuses " the doctor said. "You must find time for exercise. If you don't you will get fat and have health problems when you are older. "

"But I walk every day" the patient said.

"Oh yes and I know what kind of walking that is. You walk a few feet to the train station from your house a few more feet from the station to your office and a few more feet from your office to a restaurant for lunch and back. That's not real walking. I'm talking about a walk in the park for twenty minutes every day. "

Please listen to me doctor! " the patient shouted getting angry with this doctor who thought he knew everything.

"I'm a mailman" the patient went on "and I walk for seven hours every day. "

For a moment the doctor was silent then he said quietly "Put your tongue out again will you?"

5、nothing to complain about

One day Susan Li was walking along the street when she saw her friend Lisa Wu.

She had not seen her old friend for some time so she said” We’ve got lots to talk about. Let’s have some tea and cake in that café.

She pointed to a nearby café.

Lisa agreed so the two friends went into the café.

Susan ordered. ”we’ll have two pieces of cake” she said” and a pot of tea.

The waitress wrote down their order and went away.

She soon returned with the cake and a pot of tea.

Susan saw immediately that one piece of cake was a little bigger than the other.

However she was well-mannered so she picked up the plate and offered it to Lisa.

“Have a piece of cake Lisa” she said.

“Thank you” Lisa said.” But after you”.

“No no” Susan said.” After you please.”

“Very well” Lisa said and she took the bigger of the two pieces of cake” She said.” That was very rude.”

“Not at all” Lisa replied” Tell me if you had taken the cake before me which cake would you have taken?”

“The smaller one of course” Susan said.

“Exactly. Well you’ve got the smaller one so what are you complaining about?

6、a goodbye gift

When Michael Ma died his three best friends went to his funeral.

They stood for a moment looking down into the grave of their friend.

"He was a good friend" the first person said."He was generous and kind. Let's give him some money to use in heaven ."

The other two friends agreed. They thought this was a good idea.

The first friend took his wallet out of his pocket opened it and took out a $100 bill. Then he threw it into the grave.

The second friend did not want the other two to think he was stingy so he also took out his wallet.

"You're right" he said."He always helped his friends. He deserves to have everything he needs in his next life."

And with these wordshe also threw hundred dollar bill into the grave.

The third man looked at the other twoand thought carefully for several minutes.He did not want them to think he was stingy but he really did hate spending money.

Then he took out his checkbook and wrote a check for thre hundred dollars.He then threw the check into the grave.

"I haven't got any change" he said "but that check is for three hundred dollarsso I've given the same as you."

7、good value

George was very stingy. He hated spending money.

Whenever he had to buy something he always argued about the price and tried to bargain even for the cheapest things.

If he wanted to buy a can of Coke for example and the shopkeeper asked for $2 George would say “Make it $1.90 and I’ll buy it.”

Sometimes the shopkeepers agreed to reduce their prices a little. “What’s ten cents?” they asked themselves. “If it make this man happy then it won’t hurt me very much.”

In this way George saved a few cents here and a few cents there and by the end of the year he had saved several hundred dollars.

One day he had a very bad toothache and had to go to the dentist. The dentist looked at the tooth and said “This tooth will have to come out. It’s too damaged to save.”

“How much do you charge to take out a tooth?” George asked.

“Forty dollars” the dentist said.

“Forty dollars!” George thought this was much too expensive.

“How long will it take you to pull out the tooth?” he asked.

“About two minutes” the dentist said.

George could not believe what he was hearing. “ Forty dollars for two minutes’ work!” he shouted. “That’s robbery.”

The dentist smiled. “You’re right.” She said. “Thank you for telling me. I’ll pull your tooth out very slowly. How about if I take half an hour?”

8、not funny

John Smith and his friend Bill Jones were shipwrecked on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

They had plenty of fish and fruit to eat but nothing to read except a book full of jokes.

Each of the jokes was numbered.

At first to help pass the time John and Bill read the jokes to one another then they told them from memory. After a year they knew the jokes so well that they just said the number of the joke.

“Twenty” John would say and Bill would roar with laughter.

Then Bill might say ” Seventy-five ”and John would laugh.

One day after they had been on the island for many years another man was shipwrecked with them.

“How do you pass the time?” he asked them.

“We tell each other jokes.”Bill said and handed him the joke book.

“Tell us a joke” John said.”Just read out the number.”

“O.K.” the man said. He looked through the book until he found a joke he thought was very funny. It was number eighty-three.

“I’ve found a good joke” he said.”Are you ready?”

“Yes” Bill and John said.

“Right” the man said. ”Here it is. Eighty-three.”

John and Bill just looked at the man. Their faces did not move. They did not make a sound.

“Why didn’t you laugh?” the man asked.

“You didn’t tell it very well” Bill said.

9、the right tools for the job

When his young son was ill Mr. Wei took him to a clinic. They were the first patients of the day and did not have to wait long. The nurse took the boy to the doctor’s room while Mr. Wei waited outside.

After a few minutes the doctor came out of his room and spoke to the nurse. “Have we got a screwdriver?” he asked her. The nurse looked in a drawer and found a screwdriver. She gave it to the doctor and he went back into his room.

A few minutes later he came out again. “I need a saw.” He said to the nurse this time. Again the nurse looked in a drawer. She found a saw and gave it to the doctor. He went back into his room.

A few minutes later the doctor came out of his room for the third time. “I’m going to need a hammer.” He said. For the third time the nurse looked in the drawer.

She found a hammer and gave it to the doctor. This time Mr. Wei could not keep quiet.

“Excuse me.” He said “but what is wrong with my son? And what are you doing to him?”

“I haven’t examined him yet.” The doctor said. “I’m still trying to get my bag open.”

10、paid in full

One day a bus stopped at a tourist spot and all the passengers go t out and went into a nearby restaurant .

One of them walked up to the manager and said “ Good morning . I am Mr . Tom Wilkins . These people are all patients at the City Psychiatric Hospital .They are having their annual bus trip . They will all behave very well but there is one small problem . They will want to pay for their food and drink with bottle caps . I’ll be grateful if you will let them do this then let me have the bill just before we leave . ”

The manager wanted to be helpful so he said “ That will be fine sir . I hope you will all enjoy yourselves in my restaurant . ”

The patients all sat down . They ordered their food and drink and behaved very well . No one knew they were patients at a psychiatric hospital .

At the end of the meal each of them paid his or her bill with bottle caps .

Then they left the restaurant and got back on the bus .

Tom Wilkins went up to the manager . “ You’ve been most kind ” he said “ and understanding . I’ll pay the bill now . ”

The manager added up everything the patients had ordered and gave the total to Tom Wilkins . It came to quite a lot of money .

“That’s a fair price ” Tom said . “ I’m happy to pay that . Have you got change for six bottles? ”

11、the wrong question

One day when Jack was walking in the park he saw a woman he knew sitting on a chair with a dog beside her. The dog was looking up at the woman. Jack went up to the woman and said "Hello Sue how are you? May I sit and talk with you for a while?"

"Of course please sit down." Sue said. Jack sat down next to Sue on the chair and they talked quietly together. The dog still looked up at Sue as if waiting for something to eat.

"That's a nice dog" Jack said looking at the animal.

"Yes he's nice and he's strong and healthy."

"And hungry" Jack said. "He hasn't taken his eyes off you. He thinks you've got some food for him."

"That's true" Sue said "but I haven't."

The two friends laughed and then Jack said "Does your dog bite (bite-bit-bitten v. 咬)?"

"No" Sue said. "He's never bitten anyone."

Hearing this Jack decided to touch the dog. He put out his hand and touched the animal's head. At once it jumped up and bit him.

"Hey!" Jack shouted. "You said he didn't bite."

"No he doesn't" Sue answered. "You asked me if my dog bit and I said no. That's not my dog. My dog is at home."

12 Bananas are bad for you

Pearl and June were good friends and spent most of their time together.

They were both very old and they worried about their health. Most of the time they talked about nothing else.

They worried about their food. Was it clean? Would it five them pains in the stomach?

They worried about the weather. Was it too cold and wet? Would it five them pains in their bones?

They worried about pollution in the air. Would it give them pains in their chests and throats?

They worried about being hurt in a car accident killed in an airplane crash getting sick and so on.

All they could think about was being ill or hurt.

One day they went on a train journey together.

"We'll need some food" Pearl said

"We'll buy some bananas" June said. "They are good to eat and always clean."

And so they bought two bananas to eat on the train.

It was not long before they were hungry.

Pearl took out the bananas and gave one to June. Then she peeled the skin of her banana and took a large bite of it.

At that moment the train went into a tunnel. Everything went black. "Don't eat your banana" Pearl shouted at June. "Mine has made me go blind!"

13、Big John

One day in the old days of the American west a small man suddenly ran into a hotel. It was full of men drinking and talking.

The small man was very frightened.

"Big John's coming" he shouted. "Run for your lives!"

Immediately every man put down his drink and ran out of the hotel. The bartender hid under the bar.

Everyone had heard of Big John and was afraid of him.

It was not long before the door of the hotel opened and a huge man walked in.

He was taller and fatter than two men together and he had two guns on his hips.

He had hands the size of shovels a thick black beard and evil-looking eyes.

He stood by the door and looked around the room then slowly he walked towards the bar.

"Thump! Thump!" went the sound of his feet on the floor.

The bartender heard him coming and began to shake.

The man reached the bar. He leaned over it and looked down at the shaking bartender.

He took a deep breath. The bartender was sure his last hour had come.

Then the man spoke in a deep loud voice that made the whole room shake.

"You'd better get out of here" he said. "Big John's coming."

14、the wrong medicine

A farmer had a very valuable cow. He took very good care of this cow and one day when it was ill he was very worried. He telephoned the vet.

"What's the problem?"the vet asked him when he arrived.

"My cow's very sick" the farmer said."I don't know what's the matter with her. She's lying down and won't stand up. She won't eat and she's making a strange noise."

The vet looked at the cow.

"She's certainly sick" he said."They should make her better."

"How should I give them to her?"the farmer asked.

The vet gave him a long tube.

"Put this tube in her mouth" he said "then put the pills in the tube and blow. That'll make her sallow them."

The vet went away.

The next day he came to the farm again. The farmer was sitting outside his house looking very miserable.

"How's your cow?"the vet asked.

"No change" the famer said and I'm feeling very strange myself."

"Oh?"the vet said."Why?”

“I did what you said” the farmer explained.”I put the tube in the cows mouth and then put two pills down it.

“And?”The vet asked.

"The cow blew first "The farmer said.

15、something in the ear

A woman woke up one morning with a bad earache. The pain was so bad that she went to see a doctor.

She had to wait a long time in the doctor's waiting room because he was very busy.

While she was waiting the pain got worse.

Also a piece of string began to grow out of her ear.

When the doctor saw her he was very surprised.

"There seems to be a piece of string coming out of your ear" he said.

Carefully he began to pull the string. Inch by inch he pulled the piece of string out of her ear. Then it would not come any further.

"There seems to be something at the end of the string" the doctor said. "I'll have to pull harder."

He began to pull harder but the pain was so great that the woman asked him to stop.

"I must take out whatever is in your ear" the doctor told her. "I'll give you something to help you sleep while I take it out."

The doctor gave the woman sleeping gas and soon she was in a deep sleep.

He called his nurse to help him and together they pulled on the piece of string.

Suddenly there was a sound and out of the woman's ear came a large bunch of roses.

The doctor was very surprised. He had never seen anything like this before.

When the woman woke up he said "I pulled a large bunch of roses out of your ear. Do you know where they came from?"

"Wasn't there a card with them?" the woman asked him.