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牛虻《爱殇——for the Gadfly》

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  • 2023-03-26 04:00:17
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All thy waves and billows have gone over me

所有的惊涛骇浪都已在我头上化为乌有。

——《牛虻》(《The Gadfly》)

But I should think that child would grow into an unlucky man and the wisest thing he could do would be to abstain from growing into a man at all.

但是我认为这个孩子长大后将是一个不幸的人,对他来说最明智的事情就是放弃生命,不要长大成人。

That is the sort of nature that feels pain as pain and wrong as wrong; and the world has no room for such people; it needs people who feel nothing but their work.

这种性格的人过于敏感,觉得痛苦就是痛苦,错误就是错误。这个世界根本容不下这样的人,它需要的是除了工作什么也感觉不到的人。

这是牛虻自己对自己的评价,也是他唯一有机会对过去的自己说的话,不要长大,这世界容不下你。

第一次看《牛虻》是在初中时,去书店逛是我那时候上街唯一能做的事,那次是妈妈和我一起去的,买了好多书,其中就有一本《牛虻》。我看过《钢铁是怎样炼成的》,挺喜欢,以为这本书也是一样的,看了几页就决定买下来了,当时不知道自己会对这本书产生出强烈的长达十年的痴迷。

我喜欢书中开始对亚瑟和蒙泰尼里的描写,两个人很亲昵,很自然,互相爱着和信任着,真的像琼玛所说的“就像一对恋人一样”。只是亚瑟不知道他的Padre对他有那么真挚的爱和关心是因为什么,他只是最单纯的崇拜和爱着他的蒙泰尼里神父。

当然,还有琼玛。他无疑很爱琼玛,是一种纯纯的青梅竹马两小无猜的爱,很温暖,很舒服,但我觉得,远不如对他的“Padre”的感情深刻。对他来说,琼玛是温暖的春风,是美丽的花朵,是安慰心灵的良药,而蒙泰尼里却是他的信仰,是他人生的方向,是他的太阳,即使在他想把自己投入到意大利的解放事业中的时候,他仍旧把神父看成他为之奋斗牺牲的美好明天的象征。

所以,在被琼玛误解后他并没有那么伤心,如果有,也是因为对自己的愤怒和对自己幼稚引起的后果的懊恼,因为琼玛远不是他信念的支柱。而当他知道他的Padre骗了他,他自己竟然是他所热爱的神父的亲生儿子的时候,他的信仰基石崩裂了。我想那一刻,他一定希望以自己的不曾存在来保护他心目中“Padre”的完美。

所以他恨,恨Padre也恨自己,还恨这个将Padre和他的谎言连同自己一起包裹起来的天主教世界,于是他走了,扔掉了以前的信仰,连同自己的天真。可他扔不掉的,是他对Padre的强烈的爱和由此生成的恨。

十三年后,他回来了,带着没人能体会的痛苦经历,和在那样的经历下愈发坚定的信念:他要挑战这个世界,这个欺骗了他的爱和天真的天主教世界,他的头号敌人,也是这个亏欠他的世界的代表,就是红衣主教罗伦梭·蒙泰尼里大人,一个交织着他全部的爱和恨的人。

小说中没有描述他怎样从落魄到投入战斗之中的,也没写蒙泰尼里怎样从教区主教升为红衣主教的,但从书中的只言片语中,我们知道,蒙泰尼里曾在比萨那个教区里默默工作了很多年,是在赎罪还是无法从打击中恢复?而牛虻是不是从回来后一直在关注他的“Padre”?不知道,不过我想是的,虽然他可能刻意避免去打听他的消息,但他听到的任何有关蒙泰尼里的信息都会吸引他所有的注意。书中描述了他第一次在家中和来拜访的琼玛会面的情况,他给她读那封秘信,当他读到有关蒙泰尼里的信息时,忽然很严重的口吃起来,并且在读完以后,全身都在微微的颤抖,他应该一直在说服自己他恨,所以他要战斗,他要对抗,他无法告诉自己这一切都是因为太爱了。

他写文章讽刺,并且还自编自演了一出论战大戏,他要狠狠的奚落蒙泰尼里,甚至可以说是以不理智的任性方式去伤害蒙泰尼里,其实这只是在表现他的脆弱,他的仇恨如此脆弱,需要他用这种方式来不停的的加固,如果不这样的话,他对Padre的汹涌强烈的爱会冲破那层恨的外衣再次把他击垮。

(He had not thought it would be so bad as this. How often had he said to himself with bitter assurance: "I need not trouble about it; that wound was healed long ago." Now after all these years it was laid bare before him and he saw it bleeding still. And how easy it would be to heal it now at last! He need only lift his hand--only step forward and say: "Padre it is I." There was Gemma too with that white streak across her hair. Oh if he could but forgive! If he could but cut out from his memory the past that was burned into it so deep--the Lascar and the sugar-plantation and the variety show! Surely there was no other misery like this--to be willing to forgive to long to forgive; and to know that it was hopeless--that he could not dared not forgive.

——from chapter XIpart II

他没有想到事情会像这样糟糕。他曾时常痛苦的安慰自己:“我不必为这事感到心烦,那个创伤早就愈合了。”现在,经过这么多年,这个创伤摆在他的面前,他看见它还在流血。现在治愈它是多么容易啊!他只需抬起手来——只要走上前,说道“神父,是我”还有琼玛,她的头上已经出现了白发。噢,如果他能宽恕就好了!如果他能割断他的记忆,过去的经历已经烙在他的记忆深处——那个拉斯加人、甘蔗园和杂耍班子!当然没有比这更悲惨的事情——愿意宽恕,渴望宽恕;知道那是没有希望的——他不能,也不敢宽恕。)

可怜的牛虻,他试图让自己变成一个“除了工作什么也感觉不到的人”,他也几乎成功了,即使面对琼玛,他也是工作第一,而把自己的感情很好的控制住。可是只有一个人,就是“Padre”,当他面对他时,他根本做不到“除了工作什么也感觉不到”。他一次次失常的表现只能说明他一直在自欺,无论怎样繁重和危险的工作都不能掩埋住那个心里巨大的空洞——他无法原谅他深爱和信仰着的Padre。

于是在狱中他和蒙泰尼里相见的时候,才会拉着Padre的手,让他放弃陈腐的宗教机制,和他一起进入新的世界。他要打破旧世界是因为Padre,而他梦想中的新世界只有有了Padre才是真正的美好。

在书中的一处描写中他承认了自己这种矛盾的感情,只有一次,(当然,不算最后和神父相认的那一幕)就是和绮达吃饭的那一次。

"And someone else that you love better than me!" she cried out fiercely. "Oh I could kill you! It is not your comrades you care about; it's---- I know who it is!"

"You suppose I am thinking of Signora Bolla? I'm not so easily duped! You only talk politics with her; you care no more for her than you do for me. It's that Cardinal!"

The Gadfly started as if he had been shot.

"Cardinal?" he repeated mechanically.

"Cardinal Montanelli that came here preaching in the autumn. Do you think I didn't see your face when his carriage passed? You were as white as my pocket-handkerchief! Why you're shaking like a leaf now because I mentioned his name!"

He stood up.

"You don't know what you are talking about" he said very slowly and softly. "I--hate the Cardinal. He is the worst enemy I have."

"Enemy or no you love him better than you love anyone else in the world. Look me in the face and say that is not true if you can!"

He turned away and looked out into the garden. She watched him furtively half-scared at what she had done; there was something terrifying in his silence. At last she stole up to him like a frightened child and timidly pulled his sleeve. He turned round.

"It is true" he said.

绮达说对了,而牛虻也终于在震动后承认了。这个过程很残忍,绮达有时候确实很残忍,这样***裸的揭开他的伤疤,让他毫无招架之力。所以绮达后来有些后悔这么做,不过,我们也终于听到了一句“是真的”。他终于承认了他深爱着他的Padre。

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